In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
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Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft