It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Truth
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.