Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
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The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists