Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..