Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
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[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I hate my earbuds.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
What’s a Messi?