Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
i made a craigslist ad !
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee