Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
finally
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.