Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.