Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I am patiently waiting for your email
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]