Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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My dress code is business-casualty.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
j o i m p
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Smile they said.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”