When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Hey I worked for it too!
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.