I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
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Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Imma just leave this here…………
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.