Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
(Gaming support cat.)
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
c’mon!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
🤣🤣💀
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo