In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.