It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
He wanted to make sure😂
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.