[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Yes, but it was never about money
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine