GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
kids play hide and seek like