Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
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it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
So sick of all these stupid rules
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
girls literally only want one thing..
where the womens at?