It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Ha.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.