Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
There is wisdom there.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.