Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
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Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Banana is the quietest snack
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.