*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
me irl
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no