I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now