This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.