*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
You Might Also Like
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“Huge”.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.