Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Midwest trash talk
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Stop being racist to kettles.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
This is painfully accurate 😅
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?