Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
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If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
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