Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
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Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
reduce, reuse, recycle
You can’t outrun your problems…
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*