Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
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Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
subtitles are so good nowadays
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.