“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.