30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’m not proud
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes