Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I just love that new Pope smell.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Sooo many times…..
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up