BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.