I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m confused about plants
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.