Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
shut up and take my money
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.