Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
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coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*