[montage of me giving-up]
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
They did not miss in the small print
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
how long have you had this for?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying