My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
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my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
estão todos miauvindo?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.