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Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Breaking news:
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*