Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind