*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Going into Monday like