If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
You Might Also Like
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody