My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”