i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine