I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.