My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: