You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
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33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
The Birdles
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Best mom ever 😂
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.