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Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”