Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*