#Caturday
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I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Happy birthday to all the women
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed